


Aging Gracelessly

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe- non magic, F/M, First Kiss, First Meet, Fluff, M/M, Slow Burn, genderfluid teddy, mid-life Marauders, second gen, technology impaired, texting fic, third gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-24 06:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6144940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is being dragged into the modern century by his son in the form of a brand-new smartphone.  He means to text Teddy, and ends up accidentally meeting, and sharing his plight with another person in the same boat as him.  Though Remus thinks it's just a passing moment, little does he know what wheels have been set in motion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [remuswannadosirius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/remuswannadosirius/gifts).



> Okay based off of/written for remuswannadosirius who wrote the post- more middle aged dads wrong number au’s okay, lets talk about this! Remus with teenage Teddy and Sirius with godson Harry, and they both kinda such at electronics so they keep asking their kids for help. and they get all gooey and cute like teenagers but they’re adults and they have jobs and ride the train and are responsible.
> 
> It's not exactly as the prompt (I'm dipping my toes into the Jeddy ship so I went with this instead) was stated, but I thought middle-age texting would be hilarious so...here it is. I know I have loads to finish and should not be starting another WIP but here I go with one anyway. Enjoy! x

**Testing? Is this working?**

_idontknowhowtotext_

_whoisthis?_

**Er it’s your dad. Teddy, are you trying to be funny. You know how to text.**

_imnotted.help._

**Okay that’s a little funny, strange person on the other end of the phone. Aren’t you supposed to (2/2) use it like a keyboard? A computer?**

Fifteen minutes later…

_I think I figured it out. I don’t use a computer tho._

**That explains it. My son got me this mobile and I guess strange mobile person, you got to (2/2) be my first ever text message.**

Fifteen minutes later…

_Good Job mate. If you’re as old as I am the mobile thing makes sense._

**Dragged kicking and screaming into the smart phone century. My son insisted (2/2) that I upgrade because he wants to do something called skye…or. I don’t know. This is too much for me.**

_My grand-godson forced this thing upon me. I’m getting the hang of it. I discovered these things…_

*series of repeated emojis from happy faces, to shades, to poop.*

**Oh my god.**

_I can tell you’re old. You use proper grammar and punctuation._

**Like you.**

_Touche._

*series of emojis*

_I don’t know how I lived without these_

**Actual human facial expressions?**

_Don’t underestimate my social reclusiveness, strange mobile man. I work as a mechanic. They pay (2/2) me to fix up their cars and bikes, not make faces._

***smiley emoji* Found mine as well. Very clever. And mechanic, that’s interesting.**

_It really isn’t. It’s quite dull. And my back just isn’t in it these days. Trying to train up some (2/2) of the sprogs in the family but they have all these other mad ideas._

**Like comfy desk jobs?**

_I hear those ergonomic chairs are actually really bad for you._

**I sit on a giant bouncy ball and have a bike pedal machine under my desk.**

_You’re a sodding liar!_

**I’d prove it if I could work out how to take photos on this thing. Hang on…**

*pic sent*

_Mate, are you wearing socks with bumble bees on them?_

**Buggering fuck. Yes. That wasn’t what I…**

*pic sent*

_Okay what the fuck is THAT?_

**Okay I give up. I have no idea what the hell I’m meant to do with this clicky thing and my deskmate (2/2) is laughing her arse off at me and refuses to help. You’ll have to take my word.**

_I suppose you’ve not lied to me so far._

**You trust too easily. I’m probably a serial killer. I could be the zodiac.**

_I heard that was that barmy American politician, Ted something or other?_

**That’s my son’s name. He’s furious about that. His mates keep taking the piss.**

_Which is why I wouldn’t have opted for normal names if I’d had kids. No point. We’re all fucked_

**True. Well it was nice to chat to you, phone stranger. But I’m going to get sacked if I keep this up.**

_Good luck on working out the photos. Thanks for the help and all that._

**Any time.**

*** 

Remus banged his keys into the small bowl by the door and eased his arms out of his coat. His back was aching from his shitty chair, but the thought of it now made him grin. The conversation had been so random, and honestly he never did get a hold of Teddy even after the stranger had stopped sending messages.

He attempted to figure out the contraption, which had no resemblance to a phone whatsoever, but gave up the longer Dori laughed at him. She, of course, was far more up to date on the whole technology front. Remus had held on to his “ancient Nokia relic” as Teddy called it for as long as he could. But he was unceremoniously informed that his mobile would no longer work as of the first of the month and he was being forced to upgrade.

And it wasn’t like Remus was ancient. He was only fifty-two. Hardly some relic the way the rude man had described the trusty device which had got him through the latter nineties and then some. But he was just…unaccustomed to change. It was his least favourite thing. It took him long enough every time they updated the software at work. And logically Remus knew he had to be more flexible. The state of technology seemed to be doubling every six months.

Once upon a time he joked that humans would soon be uploaded to the web and have information downloaded straight to their brains. And whilst the idea might still be a little ridiculous, it seemed more and more like the world was moving that way.

And fighting it was pointless.

As he moved to the kitchen to start up the kettle, he heard a crash and winced. His boy was just as bad as his mum was—clumsy and reckless, but adorable nonetheless. The best decision he’d ever made was to go forward with Nym’s barmy plan to make a baby.

“Look, you’re not getting younger, and neither am I…”

“You’re barely twenty six,” he’d attempted to argue.

“And I can’t think of anyone in the world I’d like to have be the father of my kid. Fleur and I are ready for this, Re. Please. You don’t even have to be part of this.”

Which of course was out of the question. If Remus was going to do this, he was going all in. He’d known Nymphadora since she was in his English class for sixth form and whilst he thought she was just going to be another one of those mad students he’d never forget—instead she turned into a lifelong friend.

He stood with her at her and Fleur’s wedding, and not a handful of years later, stood by her beside in hospital as she pushed out a wailing child.

That child who was now eighteen, plunging head-first into University though really he wanted to be some vagabond artist busking on the streets, but neither of his parents would let him. “You can be a tortured artist and have food in your stomach and a roof over your head,” Remus argued.

Teddy complained loudly and furiously that it was unfair. How could they take that away from him. Nym insisted he give it a try. Four days later he showed up on Remus’ doorstep with an apology on his lip, and a black eye for his cheek when he got a bit shirty with someone who tried to steal his tip cup.

Needless to say, he saw things their way after that.

Now he was mostly stayed with Remus due to the close proximity to the campus. Remus only taught part time anymore. He mostly worked at Flourish and Blott’s Publishing House, working as an editing supervisor there—which was a good job apart from the obnoxious issue with technology—and he was content. And could happily afford a better life for Teddy than Remus had lived during his Uni years.

Just as Remus poured water into his mug, Teddy came skidding into the kitchen, his brightly coloured socks—something he and Teddy had in common—skidding on the slick flooring. “Dad! I thought you like died or your evil mobile uploaded you to the matrix or something.”

Remus blinked at him. “Matrix.”

“God watch a movie without subtitles just once, okay?”

“I’ve watched plenty, thank you. I’ll have you know I was a stick-it-to-the-man rebel when I was your age.”

“I doubt anyone ever actually said stick it to the man,” Teddy said. He snatched Remus’ tea away from him, taking a gulp of the black, bitter liquid. 

Remus sighed and grabbed a second mug. “How was your day?”

“Apart from waiting all sodding day for you to text me? Just fine.”

Remus felt his cheeks flush. “Ah well. See I attempted, but I think I programmed your number incorrectly because I got a response but it wasn’t you.”

“Oh my god, you wrong number texted. Please please god tell me you said something embarrassing!”

“I didn’t,” Remus defended, huffing as he added milk. “He was just as lost as I was.”

Teddy blinked owlishly. “What? What does that mean?”

“It means that your old man actually helped sort out someone else who was technologically impaired and helped them with their own texting skills.”

Teddy slammed his mug on the counter far too hard. Tea sloshed onto his knuckles but he paid it no mind as he stuck out his hand, his black polish glinting in the overhead light. “Gimmie.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Teddy…no.”

“Give me your mobile immediately right now. I need to see this.”

Remus attempted to refute his son, but was flung against the counter and as much as he protested, Teddy wormed the mobile out of his trouser pocket and skipped across the room. With movements far quicker than Remus would ever accomplish, Teddy thumbed through and his eyes widened.

“Oh my god. You flirted. You old man flirted! You _gay_ old man flirted with another gay old man!”

“I did not,” Remus said. “And you’ve no proof he’s a man.”

“Please. He’s probably some old fairy just like you. Holy shit this could be destiny.” Teddy’s fingers began to fly across the keys.

“Ted. What…what are you doing?”

“I’m setting in motion what might be the greatest love affair of your life, dad!”

“Teddy!” Remus swiped for the mobile and looked down at the message, his eyes widened. “How do you unsend this! Quick before he sees it!”

Teddy grinned triumphantly. “Sorry, dad. That technology doesn’t exist just yet. You’ll thank me later.” Then Teddy escaped the flat before Remus could stop him and pummel the boy into next week.

With a sigh, he glanced down at the screen. **You can call me Moony, btw. So you got a selfie? Nudes? I’m pretty sure you’re hot and I think we have something here.**

Remus gulped, then let out a small cry when his mobile vibrated almost violently against his palm.

_Christ. Moony? I don’t know if I should ask. Except I am curious now. Nudes???_

Remus flushed. **That was my former son—he’s disowned now. Forever. I’m sorry.**

Five minutes later…

_Pity. Because I was actually trying to figure out this camera thing. Do you really disagree? We have nothing here?_

Remus nearly choked. **I don’t know what to say. Don’t even know your name.**

_How about call me Padfoot. Moony. And maybe we can continue this tomorrow? I’ve a pressing engagement_

Remus glanced at the screen, and against all better judgment began to type back. **Tomorrow sounds good.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how long this fic is going to be, but....I'll try to be more regular with updates.
> 
> For now enjoy some Jeddy introductions and old nerds doing more texting. x

With a sigh, Teddy pulled his motorbike up to the front of the garage and listened for the ding in the back signalling his arrival. He had the name card in his pocket, embossed with the title Canis Major Motorbike Garage, and the name Jamie Potter he hadn’t had the bollocks to text, with a mobile number scribbled on the back.

He’d been at the University campus struggling to get the damned thing started when another student sauntered over. He had dark skin, wild hair, hazel eyes, and a smirk that went straight to Teddy’s gut. His gaze raked over Teddy’s ripped jeans and pastel blue hair, focusing on his lip ring, then gauged ears. “Car trouble?” he said in a slightly mocking tone.

Teddy sighed, about to tell this kid off because whilst he might have been bloody gorgeous in his ridiculous black and white striped shirt and skinny jeans, he was in no mood for some poncy shite to give him problems over his bike.

Only that wasn’t what happened.

Instead the kid strolled over, popped a latch on the side, fiddled with something in the engine, and the bike started. Of course it had a horrible, mechanical cough and stutter, which was what led this kid, “Jamie,” he introduced himself, to handing Teddy off his card. “Look, I’m there all day Saturday. Just bring it by. I’ll give you the too cute to exist discount.”

Then he was off and Teddy was stood there with his jaw half-open in a state of disbelief because really?

He knew he wasn’t unattractive. He had decent luck with blokes and with the girls—his long-standing, barmy off-and-on relationship with Victoire had just gone off again but generally he wasn’t leered at like that.

But here he was now, after spending the morning with his dad helping the poor man sort out the rather hilarious texting issue with the anonymous stranger who he still hadn’t asked to meet him properly, at this garage. Waiting.

Several moments went by before a man round his dad’s age walked out. He was good looking, even Teddy could see that. Long, black hair tied up in a high bun. He had on a filthy t-shirt that was at one point white, ripped and stained jeans tucked into clunky motorbike boots, and he had a smattering of tattoos surprisingly artfully done—mostly flowers in a watercolour style—up and down his forearms. His narrow eyes crinkled at the corners, and Teddy was impressed with the incredible grey colour. Like storm clouds.

If only his dad had been here. He could see his once-rebel yet swotty father being all over this.

“Can I help you?”

Teddy blinked, then cleared his throat. “Right er. Sorry. Yeah. I’m looking for Jamie?”

The man’s face softened, almost into a smirk. “Ah. Jamie. He didn’t tell me he had plans.”

Teddy’s face erupted into a high blush—something he completely blamed his dad for—and he shook his head. “No I…he said to bring my bike over. It was making a funny noise yesterday and he helped me get it started.” Teddy nodded his head back over to where it was parked.

The man stared, then gave a very bark-like laugh. “I’m Sirius, I own the garage. Jamie’s upstairs making tea but he’ll be down in like five.” Reaching into his pocket, Sirius pulled out a flannel, swiped his hands, then offered one out to Teddy.

“Oh er…” Teddy stumbled a bit, tripping over his shoe before grabbing Sirius’ hand and shaking it. “I’m Teddy.”

Sirius nodded, then walked round him toward the bike. It was old, of course. It had been his granddad’s and had been sat unused for years. Teddy took it upon himself to restore it when he was sixteen, not being allowed to properly drive it until he was eighteen although several of his more severe punishments had come from not exactly listening to that rule. 

“Restoration job?” Sirius asked, running his hand along the seat.

Teddy nodded. “Yeah. Did it myself about six years ago. It’s been running fine until recently and I can sort out smaller issues but I thought I’d have a professional look at it.”

Sirius gave him a look that screamed disbelief. And Teddy wasn’t exactly convincing. He’d restored the bike himself and now he needed a mechanic. “Did he offer you the too cute to exist discount?”

Teddy flushed white-hot. “He does that a lot?”

“No,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “That’s my trick, the little shit. He’s pants at flirting.”

Teddy kind of wanted to melt into the ground and disappear, but at that moment Jamie walked down. He was wearing clothes similar to Sirius, only he pulled them off in a James Dean sort of way. The short sleeves of the t-shirt were rolled up revealing his biceps, and his jeans were unbelievably tight. Teddy gulped, then offered back a smile when Jamie saw him.

“I didn’t think you’d show.”

“The cute to exist discount?” Sirius said.

Jamie looked completely unembarrassed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a mobile. “Shut up, old man. You left this upstairs and it’s been beeping with a notification. It’s probably your secret boyfriend.”

Sirius at that point did go a bit pink in the cheeks as he took it and swiped the screen open. He took several steps away, leaving Teddy and Jamie stood by the bike.

“So. Do I still get the discount even though your dad just embarrassed the hell out of you?”

Jamie snorted. “He’s not my dad. He’s my er…whatever? Grand-god-father? Or something. And my boss. And a complete ponce. But yes, you can still have the discount. Only it’s conditionary.”

Teddy lifted a brow. “What sort of conditions?”

“Coffee or a drink.” Jamie smiled widely, revealing slightly crooked eye-teeth.

“Well you don’t waste any time,” Teddy said, but he was a bit glad of it. He really wasn’t in the mood to actually spend good money on a bike issue he could sort out himself. “But it’s a deal. Only…what if we skipped the discount and went straight to the drink?”

Before Jamie could answer, Sirius walked over looking a bit sheepish, holding the mobile out to Jamie. “What the hell does this mean?”

Jamie glanced at it, then threw his head back and laughed. “It means hit me up. Like…ring or text. When you’re not busy. Oh my god you’re falling in love with some old man who actually understands the language of the youth.”

“I am absolutely not falling in love,” Sirius said. He snatched the mobile back, then began—with one finger and so slow it actually made Teddy’s insides _hurt_ — to text back. 

As Sirius wandered off, Jamie groaned. “It’s all my fault. I talked that idiot into getting a mobile and now he’s got some boyfriend but he has no idea what he’s doing.”

Teddy laughed. “My dad’s the same, you know. He had this ancient fucking Nokia flip phone but the woman at the shop bloody refused to allow his account to continue with it. Now he’s attempting to be hip and cool, and failing miserably.”

Jamie laughed, easing a bit closer to Teddy, and nudged him with his elbow. “Old people are so gross. I want to be old and gross. Super old and super gay and madly in love like my grandparents and my parents.”

Teddy smiled. “That sounds fairly brilliant. My dad’s a shite role model for that. Shagged my mum, didn’t work out—obviously because he’s bi as hell but really only likes blokes. But he’s such an idiot—thinks if he’s got a kid no one wants to deal with the responsibility. So he just kind of stayed all alone.”

“Hmm, sounds familiar,” Jamie said, glancing over at a chair under the awning where Sirius was now sat, continuing his horrid texting pace. “If he wasn’t so in love with this idiot on the other end of the mobile, I’d suggest getting them to meet.”

“No worries, my dad’s got one of his own right now anyway.” Teddy looked over at Jamie and felt something warm blossoming in his gut. “So. About that drink?”

“I’m sorted here in a few hours. Want to come pick me up. Give me a ride on your bike?” Jamie winked, and Teddy managed to somehow trip whilst standing still. 

Righting himself, he cleared his throat. “Euphemisms even before our first date. I kind of like it?”

“I’m one of a kind, what can I say,” Jamie replied with a shrug. “So…couple hours?”

“I’ll be here.”

“Excellent.”

*** 

_I just had to ask my godson what hmu means. How do you even know that?_

**Oh that would be my son. Again.**

_I thought he was an ex son?_

**Idle threat, really. Unfortunately for me, I actually seem to love him. It’s an empty threat I’ve been using for years.**

_Sort of like when I tell my cat one more scratch and she’s going to the pound?_

**Reckon something like that. I said orphanage once but then he had nightmares for a month. Orphan Annie-themed.**

_Father of the year, Moony. I should give you an award._

**Sod off.**

*series of laughing face emojis*

**Clever. And mature. We should date straight away.**

_I knew you couldn’t resist my charms forever, Moony. When do we date? Feels a bit like online dating._

**I feel like I’m being peer pressured into smoking pot, and I’ll have you know my stoner days have long since passed.**

_Don’t worry about that, darling. The last time I got stoned I tried to work on my bike and nearly lost three fingers. Learnt my lesson. No wacky backy._

**Oh my god I haven’t heard that phrase since the seventies.**

_It was a far better time. Bell bottoms, paisley, wacky backy. Birds and Blokes. Plonkers._

**Were you a bell bottoms and paisley sort?**

_I was a ripped crop top, Mick Jagger, licking the microphone sort._

**I haven’t even seen your face and I could see it.**

*pic sent*

_Shit. What is that? What the hell did I just send?_

*laughing face emoji*

**I think your finger is over the lens when you took it. My kid said something about forward facing camera but I dunno what that means.**

*series of random photos of the ground, half a boot, and a chair*

**Er.**

_I give up. You’ll just have to take my word on it that I did and still do pull off Mick Jagger._

**I would love to continue this, but my boss keeps trying to ring through and I have to be glued to my work computer this weekend. Text later?**

_Why not. My grand-godson is heading out on some date with a punk kid with a lip ring and funky hair. I’ll just live vicariously until you put me out of my misery._

**Your penchant for dramatics has not gone unnoticed. Also my kid is very much that type. Too bad I didn’t know that before, maybe we could have introduced them.**

_Nah the kid hates everyone I’ve ever tried to introduce him to on principal of me being old and not cool anymore. Thank god I have you, Moony._

**Yes, thank god. Okay I’m off. Talk soon. And I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure your misery will end soon enough x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really honestly don't have a specific plan for this fic. I'm going to write it until I run out of ideas and they have to meet. And the chapters will probably all be quite short. But I'm having a blast. x

Sirius strolled into the Potters’ kitchen like he owned the place, ignoring Lily’s glower as he went to the kitchen and grabbed her very nice hand soap he wasn’t supposed to touch all covered in motor grease and grime. He began to scrub at his hands as James came round, opening the cabinet and handed him some of the mechanic scrub.

Sirius grinned, nuzzling his face against the side of James’ for a second. “Grandpa.”

“…nineteen years and it’s still not old.”

Sirius grinned, all teeth. “You know your grandson picked up some blue-haired hipster today at the shop.”

Leant against the counter, James crossed his arms. “Is that so?”

“Mm.” Sirius nodded as he grabbed for Lily’s hand towel, and was diverted to a wad of kitchen paper instead. He sighed, picking at the black stains in the corners of his nails. “Cute, too. Came in under false pretences, but the way Jamie looked at him, I couldn’t give him too hard a time.”

“False pretences?” Lily asked, wrapping her fingers round her tea mug.

“Claimed to have an issue with his bike, but confessed he’d built the damned thing himself.” Sirius pulled out his mobile which was making occasional vibrate noises in his pocket. He swiped open the screen and his eyes squinted at the words there. “Christ almighty.”

James lifted a brow. “Is that a smart phone? Padfoot, have you upgraded?”

“Jamie’s sodding fault!” Sirius cried. “The little shit drags me off to get his sorted and the next thing you know, I’ve got this in my hands and I’ve no idea what to do with it. And no idea what any of this means.”

James snatched it from his hands and peered through his glasses at the screen. “I-M-O I think beer is shite M-8, but W-E. H-M-U L-8-R.” James blinked, then looked at Sirius. “What the fuck is this?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius cried. “One minute he’s texting perfectly fine, then suddenly I get this and he claims it’s his son but I dunno.” He sat back with a sigh. “Though I was informed today that H-M-U means hit me up.”

“Hit me up. Jesus Christ, are you chatting up a twenty year old?”

“Well you know, I might be,” Sirius said with a snort. “It was some miss-text is what Jamie called it. Apparently he was trying to reach his kid and got me and we’ve been chatting a bit. I reckon it’s a little like that online dating thing Al keeps trying to talk me into.”

Lily choked into her tea mug. “This is too good.”

Sirius leant across the table at her. “You know what this rubbish all means? I mean you teach these children.”

“I teach sixth formers and I try not to have a look at any of their mobiles. But I’m pretty sure he’s saying something like in his opinion beer is shite, and you should chat him later.”

“How the hell do they translate that into proper English?” Sirius asked with a groan. He snatched the mobile back and glowered at James who was openly laughing. “S’not funny you arse.”

“It is a little bit. You’ve had dry spell lasting for ages, and suddenly this happens? You have to go for it. Have you exchanged photos yet?”

Sirius shook his head. “I actually tried to send him something called a selfie,” he paused when Lily choked on her tea again, “but I ended up taking a photo of my boots and the chair before I gave up.”

“Here,” Lily said, and yanked the mobile from him. She pushed a button, then aimed the phone straight at him. “Give us your best smile, love.”

Sirius gave a grimace instead, then he heard a shutter click. “How was it?”

“Shite,” she said. “How about a proper one?”

Sirius sighed but leant back, throwing one arm over the back of the chair and gave his best look. And it was a good one. Practically fifty and he could still pull if he really wanted to. Age had been kind to Sirius Black.

“That’s much better. Shall I send it?” she asked.

“Er. Maybe wait a bit. I’m not even sure what any of this actually means.” Sirius sighed again and looked down at the screen. “Dunno what to even say back to that.”

Only Lily had noticed the arrival of the black-haired teen, who reached down and snatched the mobile away from Sirius. Ignoring all protests, Jamie managed to keep the mobile out of reach as he read, then howled with laughter as he sent something back.

Sirius eventually pinned him, ripping the device from his fingers and read. “What…did you say?”

“Just told him he was being a pretentious git.” Jamie reached over, grabbing a pear from a basket before sliding into the chair next to Lily and laying his head on her shoulder. “Hi Gran.”

Lily kissed his forehead, her eyes going soft and fond. “Darling. How were your lectures today?”

“Sh—er I mean. Well they were fine, just boring is all.” He scrubbed at his face. “Can I stay here tonight. I really don’t feel like going back to the flat. It smells like dirty socks.”

“If you lot would actually clean it wouldn’t,” James reminded him.

Rolling his eyes, the boy gave his grandmother a long pout until she threw up her hands. “Fine. But don’t expect any fancy cooking. I’ve had a hellish day.”

“Granddad’s got it, yeah?” Jamie said with a grin neither of his grandparents could say no to.

Sirius, meanwhile, was grinning. The text back was definitely from Moony and not the elusive, phone-stealing son.

**I was able to decipher about half of that. Grand-godson I take it?**

_Yes, the little shit. I’m over at his grandparents right now and he’s attempting to convince them to let him stay over and be cooked a proper meal._

**Ah the Uni days. Mine is so spoilt, still hasn’t left home and I’m afraid if I keep treating him like I love him, he’s going to stay forever.**

_Time to freeze him out. It’s for the greater good._

**Quick question, what does LOL mean?**

_Got me, mate. Probably like loads of laundry or lots of love?_

**Presumptious aren’t you? Do you have loads of laundry?**

_Reckon I do, but I bribe one of the grand-god kids to do it for me._

**Bribe them?**

_I have very little morals._

**That bodes…well.**

_I’ll have you know in spite of my dodgy morals I am a fucking delight._

**With a swearing problem?**

_Define problem._

*series of laughing-face emojis* 

**I feel the creator of the silly text faces are starting to regret inventing them.**

_How dare you? But how would they know?_

**Don’t they get copies of texts?**

_Oh god I hope not. Moony, do they? Moony?_

**Er. I don’t know. Why, have you been sending naughty things?**

_Well. No. But isn’t that thought terrifying?_

**I live a good, upstanding, moral life, Padfoot. I’m afraid I can’t sympathise.**

_That terrifies me. We need to get together so I can corrupt you. It’s not too late, is it? I’m nearly fifty._

**Can’t teach old dog new tricks? Isn’t that how it goes?**

_Are you calling me a dog? Please don’t answer that. Actually I have to go. My mates, my evil evil mates, and my grand-godson are slagging me now._

**Sounds dreadful. Another time, then?**

_Count on it._

*pic*

_To tide you over. That’s me in all my glory. I hope I get one in return._

*** 

Remus was stood in the door way to the bathroom staring at his phone. Padfoot—he still didn’t know this bloke’s name—was gorgeous. Like how could he possibly be a middle aged man sort of gorgeous. He had a smile that made Remus go weak in the knees, all sunny, crinkled eyes, and a bit of fringe fell over one eye.

It almost made him ache.

And Padfoot wanted a text photo back, which made Remus both want to send it, but also vomit a little because he was absolutely not nearly as good looking as this man was. His mouth was going dry just thinking about it.

But he owed him. Or…something. Didn’t he?

The conversations were actually going somewhere, though they had been skirting making any solid plans to actually meet each other. But Remus wanted to a little bit now. Or more than a little bit, if he was being honest with himself.

He startled when a call came through, and he saw Teddy’s name on the screen. “This had better be good, son.”

“I love you too, dad. Honestly I feel so welcomed and appreciated every time you greet me.”

“What do you want?”

“Just checking in on my old man. What are you doing right now?”

“Well. Honestly?” Remus sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. “I was trying to work out how to switch on to that camera bit you told me about so I could take a photo of myself.”

“For your super old super gay text boyfriend?”

“He is neither super old nor my boyfriend.”

“But he is super gay?” Teddy pressed. “Did he send you a photo? Is he hot? God I bet he’s so hot.” When Remus said nothing, only clearing his throat, Teddy cackled. “Oh my god I knew it. I knew it. You’re going to have some gauche gay-ass wedding with like glitter and Cher. Oh god tell me you’re going to invite Cher. Don’t you seventies queers love her?”

“I don’t know Cher, and we’re not getting married,” Remus said with a groan. “What are you doing right now?”

“Talking you through your selfie. Look, if you can’t work out how to switch the camera, just take one in the mirror. You can angle it so you get just your face or whatever.”

Remus looked down at his bare chest—he’d been preparing for a bath—and shrugged. “Well, reckon I can do that. How hard is it?”

“Exactly.”

“Alright well, are you at your mum’s?”

“Yes. She says you’re a giant idiot. Which probably means I love you and other mushy parent stuff.”

“See you tomorrow,” Remus said dryly.

“Laterz!”

The line went dead, and Remus walked fully into the bathroom. He stared at the mobile screen, opened up his text messages, then swiped his finger along the camera icon, and a second later, it flared up with a view of the sink. It accidentally took a photo of the silver faucet, but Remus was able to back out before it sent.

“Jesus,” he muttered to himself. With a sigh, he held up the mobile, at an angle where it was showing his shoulders, neck, and face. He attempted a couple of smiles, groaning at how ridiculous this all felt, but it was for the greater good. Maybe Padfoot wouldn’t find him half bad looking.

With a sigh, he swiped his finger to take the photo, and there was a long delay before the click. He glanced down to see the sending icon, but when it flared to life on the screen he realised with some horror that somehow he’d activated the forward facing camera and currently sending was a photo of his left nipple.

“Shit. Buggering fuck oh my god,” he cried, trying to back out. Panicked, he opened up the dial screen and rang up Teddy who answered a second later. “How do you unsend a photo!”

There was a long pause. “Oh my god did you send him your dick?”

“Teddy! Jesus Christ, no! But I…well I made a mistake. A big mistake.”

“What did you do?” Teddy asked slowly. When Remus explained it, Teddy howled with laughter so hard and so long, Remus thought he’d have to call paramedics. “Oh my god dad no. Oh god. No you can’t just spring this on a bloke like that! I’m dying. I’m literally, actually dying. I have actually died and you are now talking to the ghost of your son. RIP.”

“Teddy! Tell me I can unsend it!”

“Sorry pops. You can’t. It’s in the void and in moments it will be on his screen.”

There was a vibrate beyond the call and Remus felt dread settle into the pit of his stomach. “Oh god. That was a text.”

“Oh fuck. I have resurrected only to be killed again. Please please tell me what he said.”

“No!” Remus cried. “This is your fault. You talked me into this mess, and you’re the one with the rubbish number I couldn’t get right. I renounce all fatherly ties. Tell your mother she’s a single parent now.”

“I love you so much, dad. Like so much it hurts.”

Remus decided that hanging up on his child wasn’t any sort of child neglect or abuse, and did so. He paced a second before deciding he might as well get this over with.

Swiping open the screen, he braced himself to read.

_At least buy me dinner before you sext._

**I have never been more embarrassed in my life. My ex-child was talking me through how to take a photo. I was getting ready for a bath and well…the Universe hates me.**

_It bloody well loves me because that is a fit chest. Anyway you can work out how to send the rest of you?_

**If I somehow manage to get my cock I give up forever and I will henceforth give up all rights to every mobile for as long as I live.**

_So dramatic, Moony. Come on, let’s have it._

Five minutes later…

*selfie*

**Survey says?**

_Shaggable. Which I’m allowed to say as I have a photo of your nipple. I’d send you one of mine but I’m in pyjamas in bed already._

**I disagree with how these scales have tipped in your favour.**

_Maybe a drink will make it up to you?_

Remus sucked in his breath, then decided what the hell.

**Let me check and see when I’ve got free after I get to the office tomorrow. If you can be patient.**

_I have a small well. Don’t exhaust it._

**Good night, Padfoot.**

_Good night Moony. I realise the photo should have been of your arse, Living up to your name and all that. x_

**Maybe tomorrow.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Alien Faces.....(I stole this idea off one of those text from your mom sites but I can't find it now)

“Why are you grinning like an idiot?”

“What? How dare you? How dare you say that to my face!” Jamie looked up from where he was scrubbing a nasty oil stain from the floor, where a bike had just been. “First you make me do this, and then you insult me?”

“When you look that happy,” Sirius said with a slight sniff, “you’re up to something. So what is it?”

“I have a date,” Jamie said with a shrug. “Tomorrow.”

“With that punk kid?” When Jamie nodded, Sirius rolled his eyes. “I take it you haven’t told your grandparents yet or you’d not be wearing that smug grin of yours. They’d have taken the piss enough to make you cry.”

“Gran would be happy for me,” Jamie defended. He sat back on his heels and swiped the tops of his filthy hands on his worn jeans. “You think I’ll be alright at this dating business? Not like I’ve had the best luck.”

“Well not like you’ve come from the best stock,” Sirius said with a slight wink. “I mean, you’ve heard the story about how your grandparents met. And your dad’s history is…” Sirius trailed off with a shudder.

“Yeah yeah. Harry Potter and the years of his epic bi-panic.” Jamie stood up and walked over to their outdoor sink to wash his hands. “Uncle Ron maintains that’s why mum married a woman in the end. Dad cooked it all out of her.”

Sirius chortled into his tea, shaking his head. “Don’t get me started on that mum of yours. How is she, by the way?”

“Good. Enjoying Brazil,” Jamie said with a shrug. “Overwhelmed with guilt about leaving her precious babies behind, but she was always kind of a nightmare about us.”

Ginny’d popped out two kids before she was twenty-one. In fact, James had come along at the age of sixteen before either of them bothered to understand the concept of birth control or teen parenting. But where her family had damn-near lost their minds about it—which was funny in itself as Ginny had so many brothers and sisters they could form a football team if they wanted—the Potters had been oddly excited.

Well, James had been. Lily was a bit more pragmatic about the whole thing, sitting them both down and explaining how you could still have a future and be a parent. She would know as Harry had come along when she was seventeen—and she still managed to finish her graduate degree in chemistry before getting her professorship and working in a rather nice public school.

She was a decent role model to say the least, especially after several starts and stops with Harry and Ginny had produced both Al and Abby—who would have been called Lily had James not balked at the idea that he and his wife should not be represented as siblings.

“It’s…Oedipus,” James had cried.

“It isn’t,” Lily had argued. Though truth be told she’d found the idea creepy in a way. “But it is a bit weird, you know. You’ve got to have a better name.”

They settled for calling Abigail’s middle name Lily and thus their little barmy family was born.

Jamie glanced up at Sirius and saw him staring at his mobile screen. Something he’d been doing an awful lot that morning, though Jamie knew no texts had come through in several hours. With a grin, he slid up to the older man and with far lither hands than Sirius had, snatched it away.

“Let’s see, then.” He glanced down at a rather attractive face. The man looked older than Sirius did, but not ancient. A mop of wild, dark curls which were flecked with grey, and a cute smile. He reminded Jamie of someone—but he couldn’t put his finger on it. “So you’ve got to the selfie exchange.”

“Give that back, you horrid little monster,” Sirius demanded.

Jamie grinned as he began to flick through the messages until… “Shut the fuck up. You sexted? What did you send him? Is that a nipple? You know it’s supposed to be a dick pic, right?”

At that, Sirius did snatch the mobile away, tucking it into his pocket. “It was an accident, you shit. He didn’t mean to send it.”

“That’s what they all say, you know,” Jamie warned. “They start off with the nipple… and it just goes from there. The next thing you know it’s all what are you wearing, and do you like it if I touch myself here.”

Sirius held up his hand. “Silence. Right now. I cannot have this conversation with you.”

“Get with the times, gramps.” He strolled over with a grin, picking up the bucket of oily, filthy—rather smelly—water, and headed for the disposal bin. He was nearly there, passing by Sirius who was back on the mobile, when the unthinkable happened.

It slipped.

Oil and muck had dripped down the sides and he just lost his grip.

It was almost like watching a train wreck in slow motion. His eyes widened as the bucket sort of cascaded. He saw the filthy water sloshing about, and just as Sirius looked down with vague concern on his face, it hit the concrete.

It was worse than a tidal wave. The bucket managed to hit at such an angle, at such a speed, it sent the entire contents in a massive wave upward, landing first on Sirius’ head, then directly in his face, soaking his mobile, his shirt, and then his entire person.

Jamie took a horrified step backward. “Oh…my god. Oh my god, Sirius!”

Of course the older mechanic had suffered worse, and he knew what to do when he took a face full of chemical-oil-filth water, and rushed to the sink, immediately flushing his eyes. “Oh god,” Sirius moaned. “Oh this smells. Oh this is horrid. Were you cleaning up month-old cat corpses? Christ fucking Jesus, Jamie!”

The younger teen was vaguely enthralled by the whole thing, as Sirius came away from the sink looking like a beaten, soaked dog, his hair hanging long about his face. He could see him as some convict in some film about him spending twelve years in prison, then running away from some warden and getting caught in some cave in the pouring rain.

“Er. It’s probably too soon to say money-shot, isn’t it?”

He saw the tendon on Sirius’ jaw twitch. “I smell like literal shit.”

“That’s…shitty,” Jamie offered.

“You have five seconds to disappear or I may actually murder you.”

Jamie didn’t need to be told twice.

*** 

_Well I very well may be down one grand-godson after today._

**That does not sound good. Was he slagging you off about the selfies?**

_It began that way._

**Did he see the nipple? I’m thinking of renaming it nipple-gate.**

_Apt. And yes he did. And he called it sex-ing. Or. Something. But it didn’t end there. I ended up taking a full bath in a bucket of filth water he ‘accidentally’ dumped on me. It’s a miracle I survived._

**How many baths have you had?**

_Nine so far. I am so upset. This is my worst nightmare. My hair still smells_

*crying face emojis for two full lines*

**You poor thing.**

_I don’t think you understand the gravity if the situation, Moony. My hair is my…my everything. It’s the only thing that’s staying decent as I careen into the circle of hell that is middle-age._

**Aren’t you already firmly in the circle**

_This is not the time!_

**Sorry. Er. I don’t have a smiley face thingie guy for this so just imagine me sending you a pat on the back one.**

_I need something better than that. I’ve used nearly a whole jar of rose oil on my hair and I can still smell it. Help me, Moony!_

*** 

Remus sighed and swapped to Teddy’s text. **What’s a nice, friendly sort of emoji I can send to someone having a bad day?**

**_Is it ur super gay boi-friend_ **

**Ted.**

**_Fine. Send him this 8====D It’s erm. An alien smiley and it always cheers up cute blokes you want to pull._ **

Remus stared at it and turned it to the side. He could sort of see it. So. Alright.

**8=====D**

_Dare I ask, Moons?_

**It’s an alien smiley guaranteed to cheer anyone up.**

_I suppose it does look rather cheerful. Reckon I could use it in the future. I actually started sending proper texts to people now so I’m trying to learn how to be hip. Or whatever the kids call it these days._

**Wise. I’m glad I could help. And I will say a prayer tonight for the state of your hair.**

_Please do. I’m going to have a last bath before trying to sleep off my sorrow. But chat tomorrow?_

**Count on it.**

*** 

Sirius strolled into his kitchen, and his eyes narrowed as he saw the arse-end of his now-disowned grand-godson poking about his fridge. “Don’t your grandparents feed you? Or your flatmates?”

“My flatmates spent their entire monthly wages at the pub. Arsenal was playing,” Jamie said with a shrug. “And I’m a growing boy, I need fuel all the time.” Standing up straight, Jamie walked over and grabbed a lock of now-dry, slightly oily hair and sniffed. “Christ, Padfoot. Did you bathe in that shit?”

“I had to eradicate all traces of that…horrific incident,” Sirius said with a slight shudder. His mobile buzzed then, and before he could grab it, Jamie’s quick, nimble fingers snatched it away. He thumbed it open, and his eyes went wide.

“Padfoot?”

“What. Tell me it’s not a dick. If it is, it’s not his fault! He doesn’t know how to work the camera.”

“It’s not a dick pic. It’s…” Jamie scrolled a bit more. “A happy alien face?”

“Cute, innit. Never got one of those from you. Reckon you didn’t even know about that emoji.”

Jamie stared at Sirius’ smug face in vague disbelief. “No. No you most certainly have not got a happy alien from me.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “So when’s this date of yours?”

Jamie cleared his throat, shoving the mobile back down on the counter, and leant against it. “Tonight. He’s picking me up on his motorbike. From here.”

“This is not your home.”

“And yet here I am. Stood in this kitchen, drinking your juice. Eating your biscuits…” Jamie took a massive bite of Sirius’ favourite jam filled ones. “And you’ve a room for me and everything.”

“Then start paying me,” Sirius grumbled. He dropped a hand on Jamie’s shoulder and squeezed. “If you want to get away from those twats you live with, I’ll only charge double what they do.”

“You’re so kind.”

“I am. Leaving my garage to you and everything. Now fuck off so I can have another kip. These old bones take a lot of beauty rest.”

Jamie flipped him a V as Sirius grabbed his mobile and trudged up the stairs.

_My grand-godson is here. He has a date tonight. The moment he settles down properly is when I start to feel actually old._

**I know what you mean. My son has one as well. He told me not to bother waiting for him to come in. Not that I’ve bothered in years but…it does make me feel a bit…**

_Mature?_

**Let’s not get carried away, Padfoot. I like to think of myself as carefully ripened.**

_Sexy._

**I’m going to pretend that wasn’t sarcasm.**

_You do that._

**You wound me. How’s the hair?**

_It survived the night. I swear I can still smell the horror, but it’s probably a phantom scent by now. Any more washing and I’ll ruin it._

**Well I’m sure it’ll look lovely when you and I finally do meet.**

_Count on it. I’m turning in for the night. But can we pick this up tomorrow? I rather like the direction we’re taking._

**Slag. But yes. Tomorrow it is. Goodnight, Padfoot.**

_Goodnight Moony._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Dick emojis whoops.

“Mum?” Teddy turned in the mirror from side to side, his head cocked a bit, and he surveyed his outfit. Black, capri-length leggings, a cream-coloured tunic blouse, and blue and black striped socks which normally came to the knee, though he had mashed them down so they rested just above the cuff of his clunky motorbike boots.

He looked behind him when a face popped round the door. Fleur whipped a few locks of her white-blonde hair over her shoulder. “Getting ready for your date?”

Teddy sighed, turning away and looking back at himself. “Yeah. I’m…not sure about this.”

“Why not? You look lovely as ever.” Fleur strolled into the room and adjusted the blouse so it rested more squarely across Teddy’s shoulders.

“Well okay so I haven’t exactly told him about you know…me.” Teddy tugged on the hem of the shirt, then spun to face her. “What if this is a deal-breaker?”

Fleur cupped his cheek, giving it a slight pat. “Then you shouldn’t be dating him anyway.”

“But he’s so fit,” Teddy moaned, rolling his head back a little. “Like so fit. God.”

“Fit enough to compromise your gender?” Fleur challenged.

“Uhg, do you have to get all reasonable and parent-y on me?” He grinned though, and leant down to kiss her cheek. “Where’s mum?”

“Kitchen. And you know, I wouldn’t worry. I think even if this date of yours hasn’t ever considered dating someone who’s genderfluid—he will after seeing you.” Fleur winked, then headed down the hall to her office.

With a slight bounce in his step, Teddy flounced into the kitchen, taking a running jump to the counter where his arse slid and he knocked over Tonks’ bowl of apples. She cried out as they spilt onto the floor, but Teddy merely grinned.

“Tell me how pretty I look.”

“No,” Tonks said, shaking her head at him. “I refuse to stroke your ego. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself.”

Teddy pulled a face. “I bet dad would tell me.”

“Dad spoils you,” Tonks said, reaching out to ruffle his curls. “When is your date?”

“I have to leave in ten. I’m meeting him at his godfather’s house since he says his smells like five dudes.”

“Uni days and student housing,” Tonks said with a soft sigh. “I do not miss them.”

Teddy rolled his eyes. “Anyway I won’t be back until next week. I know you’ll pine away for me and everything, but just stay strong.”

“Please. Your mum and I plan to strip down and…ammffppfh,” her words were cut off when Teddy hopped down and clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Shhh,” he said. “I refuse to sully my night by thinking about old people sex.”

Tonks grinned from behind his fingers, then pulled his hand down and kissed his cheek. “Have a good time. Text me if you need anything.”

He gave her a mock salute before grabbing his keys and jacket, and hopped out the door.

*** 

_My house has been overrun._

**By what? Bees? Bears? Funny face aliens?**

_8===D None of the above. My best mate and my grand-godson are over. The young one is prepping for his date. My best mate has come to take the piss because he is a terrible grandfather who likes to make everyone suffer._

**Maybe I should date him instead. That sounds like something I would do. Which is why my own son is avoiding me before his date. He’ll come crawling in sometime tonight and give me all the details I don’t want.**

_That’s cruel. I am much more of a delight than my best mate. Who is married. So hands off. His wife is feisty and protective._

**I’m a passive fighter. I just play dead, and when they think they’ve won, I bite their ankles.**

_You terrify me._

**Does this mean no date?**

_I didn’t say that. Send me another photo of you so I can remind myself of how fit you are._

**You mean how grey and wrinkled I am. I’m starting to look like my father. I swear my nose has grown in the last week.**

*photo of chair leg, then carpet, then kitchen counter with half a tea mug visible*

**Buggering fucking shitting hell.**

_Impressive swearing. Am I going to date furniture?_

**You’ve caught me.**

*photo of half a face, and is upside down*

**I am incapable of getting anything better than that. Good enough?**

_Well let’s make a deal. Because your eye is fetching at any rate. We date. But you wear the bee socks. How’s that under the desk exercise machine working for you?_

**I suppose that’s agreeable. I have three pair of bee socks. And the machine is great. I have a middle-aged tea and biscuits gut—because I don’t drink beer. But my calves are fit as hell. You can just stare at them all night. I’ll wear those old shorts we used to sport in the seventies.**

_Oh sweet lord. Tell me you don’t actually still have a pair._

**Maybe in my attic. Are you trying to claim you have no relics?**

_Photos of my Bowie phase. My best mate was all Abba so his blackmail material is worse. Are we going to exchange names ever?_

**Maybe right before the date. I should go, though. I have loads of work to catch up on because this bloke who looks really good for his fifties with really great hair keeps distracting me.**

_He sounds amazing. I wouldn’t be too hard on him._

**I feel like you’re trying to set me up for some innuendo but I refuse to fall for it. Chat later, Padfoot.**

_You shame me, Moony. Shame._

*** 

“Where’s the kid?”

Sirius looked up from his mobile. “Dunno. Preening, probably.”

James snorted into his tea. “We need to come up with a plan for when his date gets here. I want to be embarrassing, but the sort that makes the date want to spend time with me so that way I become the popular one.”

“You haven’t been the popular one since Harry was in sixth form,” Sirius said, setting the mobile on the counter. “And anyway…”

Before he could get another word out, his door banged open and Lily walked in, her face furious. “Sirius Orion Black. What the hell is this?” She started waving her mobile at his face.

Sirius blinked. “What? The text. I told you I’m actually learning how to…”

“You sent me a dick.”

Sirius blinked. “I did not! Bloody hell…did I?” he asked himself in a whisper. “No, I have taken no photos of my dick!”

Lily turned to James. “He did send me a dick. At work. I was not alone when I saw that text, James!”

James turned his eyes to Sirius and deadpanned, “Did you send my wife a dick, Padfoot?”

“No!” Sirius threw his hands up. “I have never in my life sent a dick to anyone!”

Lily swiped her phone open and showed it to James. “A bloody dick.”

James blinked, and his cheeks twitched like he was attempting to hold back his smile. “Mate. You sent her a dick.”

Storming over, Sirius looked down at the screen. “That is not a dick! That’s a happy alien. See you just…” He stared at it again, the blood draining from his face. “That’s a dick,” he whispered.

“Yes, Sirius. It’s a dick,” Lily admonished. “Where did you get this from?”

“I…I don’t think he knows,” Sirius said quietly. “I think…” He cleared his throat. “I should probably erm. Say something.”

At that moment, Jamie walked into the room and stared round. “Oh. You meant the cock’n’balls emoji?”

Sirius stared at him with wide eyes. “You knew?”

“Of course I knew,” Jamie said, waving his hand. “You actually thought that looked like a cheerful alien?”

“I…” Sirius’ cheeks were bright red. “How the hell was I supposed to know. You see, this is why texting is the sodding devil! I’ve been sending that round to everyone!”

Jamie grinned widely. “Yeah. I know.”

“Fuck!”

Just then a headlamp flashed through the window, and Jamie quickly grabbed his jacket. “Gotta go. Bye.” He slipped kisses to three cheeks and hurtled out of the house before his grandparents or Sirius could actually meet Teddy.

*** 

Teddy straddled his bike with a small grin as he saw Jamie rushing toward him at a slow jog. He was wearing a small grin, looking as good as he ever had with tight jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt. He came to a skidding halt, his hands flapping at bit at his sides, his smile a little shy.

“Hey,” Jamie said.

Teddy grinned, put the kickstand down on the bike, and jumped off. “Hey there yourself. How are you?”

“Good. I don’t want to linger though. Both my grandparents are here and I’d like an actual date before they scare you off with their ridiculous behaviour.”

“Well mate, I’m not easily scared,” Teddy said with a wink. He tugged on his jacket, then pulled the zip down hesitantly. “Trust me, wait til you meet mine. Fucking barmy, the lot of them. But erm. I kind of wanted to chat? Before we go?”

Jamie’s eyes raked down Teddy’s front, and Teddy felt his face heat up, breath catch in anticipation of possible rejection. “Yeah alright. What’s up?”

“Well I thought I should probably erm…discuss a few things. You know. Before we make this official.” His fingers absently trailed up to his curls and he ruffled them. “So I’m…well.” He cleared his throat. “You know what genderfluid is?”

Jamie nodded, looking confused. “Yeah I do. Are you telling me…?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said in a rush. “I mean okay. I’m…well I primarily identify as a demi-boy. But I have days where I’m not.”

“Alright,” Jamie said, a small smile reaching up to his eyes, making them crinkle in the corners. “Have I been using the right pronouns?”

Teddy felt momentarily startled. “Yeah no, those are fine. I’ll…I’d tell you when I have a chance.”

“Good. Excellent. So was that it?”

Teddy nodded. “Er. Yes?”

Taking a step closer, Jamie reached out and put his hand near Teddy’s waist. “This alright?”

Instead of answering verbally, Teddy stepped into the touch and smiled. “We good?”

“Yes. And you look fit as hell. I’m really excited for this,” Jamie said quietly. “Now let’s get the hell out of here before any of the olds come out. Right now they’re trying to work out some dick emoticon issue and whilst it’s hilarious, it could potentially ruin the mood by making me think of fifty-year-old man bollocks.”

Teddy snickered as he and Jamie hopped on the bike. “Gross. And also remind me to tell you tonight about a hilarious story regarding my dad and dick emojis. You’re going to love it.”

*** 

_Moony. I know you’re busy but I…have something tell you._

**It’s fine. Everything alright?**

_Er well. You know your happy alien face?_

**Has it come to life or something?**

_Oh god. No I…it’s…I sent it to my best mate’s wife because I am a sodding nice person who likes to make people happy. Only she works with teens you know, and apparently has been informed…reliably. It’s…_

**It’s?**

_Oh god. Moony, it’s a dick. It’s a dick, Moony. We’ve been texting dicks to each other. And apparently to other people in my case._

**Are you joking?**

_I swear I would never joke about this with you. I…I didn’t know. Did you know?_

**No I didn’t know! Shit! Oh my god I sent that to my BOSS! And six co-workers. Oh god. I am going to murder my son. I was joking before but I am not joking now! He is dead!**

_Your boss?_

**Padfoot this is not the time! I…oh I’m going to get sacked. Or I’m going to wind up on the internet for sending my office dicks. Oh please tell me this is some mean prank.**

_It’s not. I’m sorry Moony. I am._

**I need a drink or twelve. Right now. I cannot believe this is happening.**

_You know what, are you in London?_

**Yeah I am, why?**

*sends address*

_Meet me here in an hour and a half. I will buy you those dozen drinks. It’s the least I can do._

**I should say no. But…okay. I’ll see you then. Just don’t let me get pissed and text. Apparently I cannot be trusted.**

_Don’t worry, Moony. I’ll protect you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next- two dates.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> I feel like this chapter was a bit crap. A lot less funny but it had to end somewhere.

**I’m on the tube now. We may have a problem**

_What? What problem? Don’t tell me that tonight!_

**I may have accidentally made eye contact.**

_Moony! You know the rules._

**About to lose signal. Say a prayer for me, Padfoot.**

_Dear White Jesus, please protect Moony’s sweet arse before he arrives for our date. I would like to see it intact. Amen_

_Sorry I was raised Buddhist, then adopted by a Hindu family, so I'm a bit uneducated in proper Christian prayers._

**Unfortunately I’m Jewish, so I don’t think White Jesus cares for me much**

*message failed to send*

*** 

They pulled up to the kerb, and Teddy switched the bike off, twisting his head to see the slight smile on James’ face. He felt a momentary disappointment as his date slid off, but he was rewarded with hands on his hips as he dismounted the bike, and a grinning face hovering in front of his.

“So. You have big plans for us?” Jamie asked.

Teddy laughed. “Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not exactly the most…romantic sort. I was thinking a drink and get to know you. Maybe hold hands under a pub table and snog in a dark corner. Then if you’re peckish, we could go down to my Gran’s restaurant?”

“Ooh gran’s restaurant? Preferential treatment?” Jamie couldn’t seem to resist stroking his hands down the soft material of Teddy’s skirt.

“Most likely,” Teddy said with a grin. “I’m her favourite grandson after all. You’re Asian, right?”

Jamie snorted. “Yeah. Indian.”

“Well my family’s Thai and even though your curry doesn’t even have curry in it…”

“Mate, your curry is _soup_ it’s not even curry…” Jamie defended.

“I think you’ll still find it bloody good.”

Jamie rolled his eyes, but let his hands trail down along Teddy’s arms, linking their fingers together. “Get me drunk enough and I might even concede that yours is better. Though be warned I’ll just be doing it to get into your knickers.” He stopped. “Knickers?”

Teddy flushed, but pressed his body closer to Jamie’s. “Maybe you’ll find out. For now, how about an alleyway snog.”

Jamie let out a groan, rolling his head back as Teddy yanked him along the pavement to the dark shadows beyond.

*** 

Sirius stared down at his phone screen, wondering if his last message had been a bit much. What if Moony was some religious zealot who really loved Jesus? Or didn’t like Asians? God, what if he was a _racist_?

He tried not to think about it, though he did order a second whiskey with extra lime, and he mashed the pulp into the bottom of his glass with a tiny black straw as he waited. His knee bounced in anticipation, knocking against the side of the table so often he was sure to bruise, but what did it matter?

Moony might not show. And all he had was a mobile number which was easily changeable. Sirius didn’t even have a first name, let alone last one.

But his fears were quickly dispelled when, from the dark shadows of his table, he spotted him. He half-rose, watching as Moony’s eyes took in the crowd, clearly looking for him. He knew he ought to say something, but he couldn’t bring his lips to move. Moony was cuter than Sirius had pictured, with the poorly-shot selfies to help. He was very tall, broad-shouldered, with wild curls flecked with grey. His face was round and full, his age showing in the winkles beside his eyes from how much he quite obviously smiled or scowled.

It was when Sirius noticed Moony started to look dejected, like Sirius wasn’t there, that he jumped up. “Moony!”

Moony spun on his heel in surprise, his eyes going wide as they set on Sirius. His face coloured with a high blush as he made his way past tables, and did a funny motion with his hands before shoving them into his pockets. “Hi. Er.” He cleared his throat and shrugged. “It’s Remus, by the way.”

“Sirius,” he blurted back.

Remus laughed. “Yeah, I am very serious. Don’t ask, it’s just…”

“No,” Sirius blurted. “That’s my name. Sirius. Er like the star.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Oh. Oh that’s…” He cocked his head to the side in a way that made Sirius want to grab him by the front of his shirt and kiss him silly. “That’s very fitting.”

Sirius felt nervous, which was ridiculous. He was in his fifties and had spent a good portion of his life chatting up and shagging incredibly good looking blokes. So why the butterflies now? He reached out, grabbing Remus’ hand out of his pocket and tugged him along. “I got us a great table.”

By great table he meant one deep in the shadows of the pub, hiding them from plain view. Remus seemed to appreciate it though, as well as the quick service by the perky blonde who hurried to fetch Remus his scotch.

“I always feel like such an old man when drink this,” Remus said. “Like I ought to be having a cigar and some Magnum PI moustache.”

Sirius reached out boldly, running the pad of his thumb just under Remus’ nose. “I think we should both avoid facial hair.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’ll have you know I can grow a fantastic beard.”

Sirius chuckled, but before he could properly reply, his mobile buzzed and he pulled it out. His eyes widened when he saw Remus’ text, and he barked a laugh. “Jewish, huh?”

“Did that just arrive?” Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged, shifting so his shoulder was pressing into Remus’. “I was afraid my last text had bothered you. Or that maybe you were one of those horrible old racists left over from the eighties and bailed the second you found out I was Thai.”

“Er you have sent me a selfie,” Remus pointed out. “Also my son’s mum is part Thai, so it would be fairly awful of me if I were.”

“Ha.” Sirius blushed. “Right. Buggering hell this texting thing makes everything so complicated. Remember when you could just slide into one of those secret pubs and pull a bloke?”

Remus regarded him for a long time. “I wasn’t much into those. Always afraid of getting caught. Or what I might catch.”

Sirius swallowed thickly. “Right. Yeah. It’s been so long I just haven’t thought about it. I was hideously reckless back then, though. Trying to rebel against my parents. Riddle supporters, you know?”

Remus winced. “Oh hell, sorry to hear that.”

Sirius waved his hand. “No worries, I escaped long before they supported him openly. But it was a tough time.”

“It was. Today things are easier,” Remus said quietly. “Only you have to be so much more flexible. My son for example. At fifteen he tells me he’s not really a boy. He’s genderfluid, and gave me all this literature to read up on.”

Sirius blinked at him. “I’ve heard of it, you know.”

“So you see what I mean. Of course it just makes me sad we didn’t have concepts like that when we were kids. He’d have been crucified instead of hugged and taken out dress shopping.” Remus bit down on his bottom lip.

“He’s alright with you calling him your son?” Sirius asked with a quirked brow.

Remus smiled. “We had a long, long discussion about it. And sometimes he prefers other pronouns, but he tells me. We communicate. And I’m always reading up on it. Bloody internet,” he finished with a laugh.

“At least it isn’t scouring the library shelves for obscure books,” Sirius pointed out. “And you can’t be too hard on this technology. Otherwise we wouldn’t have met.”

“Fair,” Remus said with a grin. “I rather like that bit.”

Sirius laughed quietly and leant his head against Remus’ shoulder. “Does my hair still smell?”

With a chuckle, Remus turned his head, burying his nose into Sirius’ locks and sniffed. “Like a field of roses.”

Sirius grinned and turned his face slightly so he was looking at the curve of Remus’ neck. It was an incredible neck, he thought. He’d quiet like to lick it. Though it might be a bit soon for that. “So. Here we are. Moony.”

Remus laughed. “That we are, Padfoot. How’s your drink?”

“Better now,” Sirius said.

“Aren’t you a right flirt?” Remus teased, reaching over under the table to splay his hand along Sirius’ ribs. He gave him a soft, gentle squeeze, not enough to tickle, but enough to make him jumpy. “Mine’s brilliant though. In spite of knowing the dick emoji wrath I’m going to suffer at work on Monday.”

“Oh I meant to ask. When’s your son’s funeral?”

Remus laughed and shook his head. “I’ll find a convenient day. Send him off Viking style.”

“Burning pyre?”

“We could do it in Brighton if you’re keen. Make a holiday of it. There are amazing little sweet shops that I’ve heard are good for post-funerals.”

“You’re cold, Remus,” Sirius said with a laugh. He lifted his head finally, taking a long drink of his whiskey. “We should get out of here, though.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Ah well. I mean…I hadn’t considered…that’s to say…”

“Slow down,” Sirius said, holding up a hand. “I’m not a complete tart, you know. I was thinking food.”

Remus grinned and nodded, taking Sirius’ hand. “I think that sounds rather brilliant.”

*** 

Lips kiss-swollen and head a bit drunk on lust, Jamie and Teddy decided to forgo the pub and head straight to the restaurant in hopes of curbing one appetite in favour of another. Teddy drove a little more recklessly than usual, but it wasn’t a big deal as they navigated though the streets, Jamie clinging to his waist and stealing occasional neck-kisses.

When the finally came to a halt in front of the restaurant, Jamie was momentarily distracted by the amazing smells coming from the slightly open door. Teddy grinned as he offered Jamie a hand off the bike, then he shoved his keys over at him.

“Hold these for me, will you?”

Jamie felt oddly smug about it as he shoved the keys into his pocket, then preened at the possessive way Teddy grabbed his hand before leading him inside. It was late, so it wasn’t as crowded as it might have been during the rush, but there were still several occupied tables, and a few people who clearly knew Teddy, nodding at him as he walked in.

“Yaai?” he called out toward the back.

A few moments later, a woman stuck her head round the staff door. Jamie could absolutely see a resemblance to Teddy, mostly in the cut of her jaw, and the way she lifted a single eyebrow when her gaze fell on the two.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded. “And who is this? He’s way too pretty to be your boyfriend.”

“Oh my god,” Teddy groaned. “I cannot escape the madness anywhere. He’s not my _boy_ friend. Not my anything. Yet.”

Jamie felt his face go hot, but he cleared his throat and extended his hand, letting out a small cry of surprise when he was pulled into a hug. “Er. Nice to meet you. I’m James.”

“You two have a seat and I’ll bring food straight away.”

The pair obeyed the command, and Teddy rolled his eyes. “My gran. She’s…bossy, but sweet. Mum’s mum. My dad’s Jewish—his whole family’s from Israel, so I have like the weirdest background.”

Jamie chuckled. “I’m only a quarter Indian, but my granddad jokes that his genes are too strong to resist. All of us came out looking just like him. My mum’s family are all Irish or something. I think. All gingers.”

Teddy’s eyes widened. “I’m trying to picture you as a ginger.”

“Don’t,” Jamie deadpanned, then laughed. “When I was sixteen I went through this phase were I was really angsty and didn’t want to look like my dad, so I bleached my hair and dyed it red in this attempt to blend in with my mum’s family. It…didn’t end well. And I carried on with it for almost a year. I’ve attempted to purse every trace of photos but my mum insists on bringing some out every time we get together.”

“That sounds evil,” Teddy said, grinning. “I think you could pull off something cooler than red though. Blue maybe. Or pink.” He laughed when Jamie rolled his eyes. “I got my funky style from my mum, though dad insists he was cool back in the day, but I’ve yet to see any proof of that.”

“Are they still married? Your parents?”

Teddy almost choked on his drink. “Oh. God, no. They never were, really. They just got together to have me. I’ve two mums—one dad. He never really got round to dating much, but he prefers blokes.”

Jamie’s smile went wider. “Yeah? That’s bloody brilliant. My parents tried to make a go of it, you know? They were sixteen when I came along. Mum did a lot of travelling and when dad was at Uni we were all with my grandparents a lot. And Padfoot.”

At that, Teddy froze and his eyes widened. “What did you say?”

Jamie rolled his eyes. “Oh it’s just some stupid nickname my dad gave him. You met him before. Sirius?”

“But you said Padfoot,” Teddy said.

“Well. Yeah, why?”

Teddy gulped. “Mate, I think…I mean that’s not like a common nickname, is it?”

“Guess not,” Jamie offered. “Are you alright?”

“Does the name Moony mean anything to you?”

Jamie blinked. “What…oh. Oh my _god_.”

Teddy nodded solemnly. “My dad and your godfather.”

“Holy shit. Holy _shit_ ,” Jamie breathed. “How…this is…you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Mate, I’m not. And my dad is so gone for him. So gone.” Teddy rubbed his face, then laughed. “Fuck, your godfather is fit, too.”

“Never tell him that,” Jamie groaned. “It’ll go straight to his head and he’s already impossible.”

“This is weird. Super weird. This isn’t like…unethical, is it? Us going out?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Jamie said fondly. He grabbed Teddy by the front of his blouse and kissed him softly. “This is fucking brilliant.”

Teddy laughed against the soft mouth. “Fair enough. You wanna date me, Jamie?”

Jamie grinned. “Hell yeah,” he said before capturing his lips once more. “I absolutely do.”

*** 

“You alright with motorbikes?” Sirius asked, seeing Remus’ look of apprehension.

“My son drives one,” Remus said with a small sigh. “He built it a few years ago, and I’m constantly terrified he’s going to careen off the side of the road one day and bleed out before emergency services can find him.”

Sirius gave him a funny look. “Built it, you say?”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah. Why?”

“I…nothing. Never mind. So are you alright to come along? I promise I’m very safe. In my fifties and still not dead.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but got a death-grip on Sirius’ waist as he climbed on, and buried his face in the back of the other man’s neck. Sirius kept a slower speed than Remus knew he normally did, but eventually he was able to follow Remus’ directions to the Thai place, and they pulled up outside just as a spot at the kerb opened up.

Sirius killed the engine, and Remus slid off, rubbing his arse. “Numb?” Sirius asked, waggling his brows.

“Tingly,” Remus complained, ignoring his high blush. He bit down on his lip when Sirius reached out, taking his hand, and they started for the door. Just before it opened, though, both men froze. “Oh my god,” Remus said.

At the same time, Sirius whispered, “Oh shit.”

They turned to look at each other. Inside, sat at a table kissing rather furiously over two bowls of curry were James Sirius Potter, and Theodore Edward Lupin. The two men glanced up at each other.

“That’s my kid,” Remus said.

“I know him,” Sirius replied. “Came to my shop after my grand-godson—the one he’s currently snogging—tried to give him my patented too cute to exist discount.”

Remus choked back a laugh. “You have a too cute to exist discount?”

“Well yes,” Sirius replied with a sniff, “though I haven’t used it in ages. Haven’t met anyone worthy. Until now.”

Remus flushed hard. “Oh my god you are the worst.”

“I think you mean the best,” Sirius corrected. “I cannot believe that’s them. D’you think…I mean, they wouldn’t have set this up, would they?”

“I don’t think Teddy’s that clever. He’s a little shit, but…”

“Same with Jamie,” Sirius replied. “So what do we do?”

Remus’ eyes narrowed. “Embarrass them?”

“How?”

“Snogging. Inside. In public. Teddy hates old man snogging.”

Sirius’ grin got wicked. “Same with Jamie. And I’ve been dying to put my mouth on your mouth all bloody night.”

Remus tugged him closer. “That’s exactly what I’d hoped to hear.”

*** 

The boys pulled apart abruptly when the door swung open, and their mouths fell open the second it happened. Sirius and Remus. Grand-godfather and dad. Snogging.

Two old men sucking face.

Where anyone could see.

“Oh my god,” Teddy said, absolutely mortified. “Oh my god my dad. My dad is kissing Sirius!”

Jamie gapped. “What? That’s your dad? Bloody hell he’s so hot!”

“Oy!”

Jamie shrugged. “What. You got good genes, mate. Fuck they look cute together.”

“This is mortifying,” Teddy groaned.

Jamie smirked, then balled up a paper napkin and tossed it at the pair who were two tables away. Sirius didn’t pull away, or react more than shoving two fingers up at them as he continued to kiss Remus.

“I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life,” Teddy groaned. “This is so not okay. First he’s texting some random number, now he’s snogging some bloke in the middle of a restaurant where _anyone can see_ him.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Jamie said, grabbing Teddy’s hand and tugging him close. “And honestly if you like, I can take your mind off it.”

“Oy!” came Remus’ voice from the table over. He’d broken the kiss and was glowering. “I can hear that you know.”

Teddy smirked. “Yeah well…maybe next time you’ll keep it to yourself, old man.”

Sirius merely grinned as he hooked an arm round Remus’ neck and tugged him closer. “And where would the fun be in all of that?”

Jamie grabbed Teddy and they both rose. “Come on, let’s get out of here before they kill the mood forever.” They rushed out of the restaurant, both couples now determined to have a very good time.

*** 

**Ted, I’m sorry, I really hope I didn’t embarrass you.**

Teddy looked down at his dad’s number with a huge sigh, shaking his head.

_**New number, who dis?** _


End file.
